9/8/11 Mantivities Triathlon

    

 Sooo...This summer was pretty gnarly. I did two triathlons! Well, sprint triathlons. There may be a reader wondering, "What's a triathlon Ross?" It's a race of fat torching, teeth grinding, heart pounding, and thigh shaping that will leave you in a pool of your own sweat and blood cryin' out for mommy. Next year the goal is to kick it up a notch to Olympic distance! That should put some hair on my chest or kill me!  Your probably thinking, "Ross! You're so ripped that you probably got first in both those triathlons!" Somehow... no... I'm just as confused as you are.

            It turns out that I am terrible at biking.
                         http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0PEIMGgKH4
Well, one step above this dude. Despite being slowed down by my training wheels I didn't do too bad. I actually placed in my age group. 50 feet before the finish line I almost passed someone for a epic finish, but my stomach turned upside down and I dry heaved so loud all the spectators turned their heads expecting me to blow chunks everywhere. Luckily I held it in but didn't get the photo finish win.

5/9/2011 Shockingly Manly

Man fact #231 "Real men shrug off pain."

       Last year the most manly thing I did was get tasered by the police. You may by wondering, "Ross how many people did you ice before the police took you down?" 16! Well sorry to disappoint you but there were no crimes involved except maybe luggin' around these cannons for arms. I actually volunteered to get tased. That's right, how many other blogs do you read where the author gets tasered just so you can spend 2 minutes reading about it. It was for a taser demonstration for a city picnic, where people from all over the world gathered to see how a real man handles 5,000 volts of pure power. And it's safe to say I did pretty well. I was a little worried about either being a screamer or peeing my pants, luckily I was neither. I would recommend not running from the police, it kind of hurt. It was sort of like sticking a fork in 41 outlets at the same time or sticking a fork in a Pikachu. Here is the video!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncuoxek3qzo

If any of my followers have any ideas of any other manly tasks I can accomplish feel free to post. 

3/22/11 Mantivities POWER WEEK!!!

O no… it’s official…my blog’s followers are 75% female. I don’t mean that my blog is being followed by a bunch of She-males, just that 3 out of the four followers (Yeah that’s right up to four!) are female. I guess I didn’t realize that my blog would attract all the ladies.

Todays man blog quote is from John Wayne:

"Courage is being scared to death, and saddling up anyway"

This quote is a good transition into POWER WEEK, where I did three manly feats in a week period. (Also the only way I could try and deceive you that entering a hula-hoop contest is manly) 

The first thing was the day before St. Patrick’s Day. No it wasn’t pounding a case of beer. I entered a bouldering competition put on by my university. It was pretty extreme and the turnout was bigger than I thought it was going to be. I entered the intermediate division and it turned out that I ended up winning, which was pretty gnarly because I didn’t do so hot last time.

           

         

   Next in the lineup was a hula-hoop contest also put on by my university. Most men would be afraid and avoid such a thing. But not me, I saddled up and put people to shame with my hula-hooping skills. Believe it or not but I just so happened to be the fourth best hula-hooper on campus. (There was only six people total but I’m sure they were the best of the best)

 

Sunday morning I woke up bright and early, shaved my beard that grew overnight and prepared for the 1^st annual indoor triathlon put on by my school. It was actually my first full triathlon I’ve ever done. Since I was a swimmer back in the day I had my share of swimming for a few tri teams. The triathlon consisted of 15 min of swimming, 30 min of biking and 30 min of running. Our distances were kept track of and weigh out for points because you can obviously bike much further than you could swim. I’m not used to running so I about puked all over the treadmill that was keeping track of my distance, actually I felt like puking the whole time just more than usual running. I ended up getting second in men’s division and one of my pals from our schools outdoor adventure club got first. (And yes there were more than 6 people)

Man of the Month February – Valentine’s Day 2/14/11

This Man of the Month is a gentleman that has a blazing passion for the ladies that rival’s mine. He has a face chiseled by the god’s themselves and charm to match. This stallion also has a flowing mane that makes him look like he just finished shooting an herbal essence commercial. There is no coincidence that this beef-cake was chosen to be Man of the Month on Valentine’s Day, the day of love. This spirited young man happens to be my best pal, Nate.

Nate is the local celebrity of my hometown. He makes a name for himself with a voice so warm & tender it could melt a candle, as well as a woman’s heart. Along with his charm, Nate happens to be the most chivalrous man I know, which is one of the reasons I made him my relationship consultant. (Some of the other reasons are: He was the only one willing to put up with me, I asked him every day for 7 months, He’s just a swell guy, He found my relationship problems comical and wanted to hear all the juicy details, and out of pity.)

                Before you get to excited, yes I realize a man should be able to hold his own with the ladies. But, why go through a jungle by yourself when you can have an experienced guide to lead the way. Likewise I have set myself up with a veteran ladies-man. That is why I’m dedicating this glorious month of February to my pal Nate.

                So my enthusiasts have a happy Valentine’s Day and follow Nate’s awe-inspiring example by showing respect to your loved ones this holiday. And if you have any other strapping young men you think are deserving of Man of the Month, send your requests in.

Mantivities Ice Climbing 12/13/2010

Welcome to my blog friends! As you may know, men have little or no concern for their safety. We men tend to make things more dangerous than they have to be. One good example is hockey; some guy decided he wanted to fly around on ice with sharp blades connected to his feet, while playing a game similar to soccer. Well what happens when you take an already manly activity and add ice and sharp objects? I’ll tell you! You get ice climbing! Last Week, I was out hackin’ away at a wall of ice all day. The ice climbing wall alone was a sight to see. I found that ice climbing was a lot different than regular rock climbing, but still super gnarly.

After a day of climbing, we slept outside in a tent. Camping in the winter is cold and sometimes miserable, but don’t worry it will put some hairs on your chest if anything. Another thing that will put hairs on your chest is the Buffalo Wild Wing’s Challenge. I completed the challenge, but the real challenge is not having diarrhea afterwards. (Which I did not complete) So here is a picture of me rockin’ the muscle shirt and pounding wings at B-Dubs.

Mantivities - Movember 11/30/10

        Hello all my loyal fans and followers, just wanted to give you an update on my mantivities. As you know today marks the last day of Movember. I know you are all dying to see what type of moustache I decided to do, and the truth is I just let it grow. I would like to thank everyone who took the time to give their opinion about the decision (No one). Other blogs may have millions of fans but here at Man Blog we are all about quality not quantity (Unfortunately we are severely lacking in both). I would like to thank everyone who donated to my Movember profile, (Only people in my family were willing to cough up any dough) with your help I raised a whopping $37.

The picture on the piano is of my good friend Tom Selleck, he was kind enough to send me an autographed picture of himself to motivate me for Movember. If your reading this, Thanks Tommy (By the way Tom, It was fun tossin’round the old pigskin last Thursday during Thanksgiving!)

Manliest Macho Men of 2010 - 11/14/2010

    Greetings men and masculine (In a good way) females. Because it is November, National Man Month, I thought I take the time to choose who I think are the Manliest Macho Men of 2010 (that kinda rhymes if you say it quick) Before that a quick reminder to keep send me hate mail, and my moustache for Movember still looks like I’m in the 6^th grade. (I bet $10,000 in donations would encourage it to grow!) Well here goes the List!

#5 Porky

Porky is from The Little Rascals Movie. Porky is a key member of the He-man Woman Haters Club. He expresses his manliness by his pure sense of honestly. In part of the movie he admits to wetting the bed… all the time. Porky also picks his nose in public, not exactly manly, but it demonstrations he doesn’t care what people think of him. And my mother, Momica, also thinks I looked like him when I was a youngen.

#4 Gerard Butler

Big G-Rard Butler! not only was he ripped during the 300 Movie, but this dude can sing. He is in Phantom of the Opera (Not that I’ve seen this movie), and also hosted SNL to make my favorite episode of all time.

#3 Thomas Jane

Thomas Jane playing Frank Castle in Punisher. Thomas doesn’t take your crap. One step over that line, and he will mess you up. I’ve also been told I have his body. (Ok I haven’t but I’m working on it) The only problem with Thomas Jane is it seems he might have a drinking problem (Not just in the movie) and marriage issues.

#2 Tom Selleck

This Man needs no introduction.Tom Selleck is a big competitor for numero uno on the Manliest Macho Men of 2010. Besides have one of the most legendary moustaches of all time he also drives that sweet Ferrari on Magnum P.I. Tom Selleck is also the only man I know that can wear a Hawaiian shirt without looking like a tourist.

#1 Patrick Swayze

(1952-2009)

And the Manliest Macho Man of 2010 is Patrick Swayze. He doesn’t even need a dance partner; they will just slow him down from tearin’ up the dance floor. I hate being jealous because God gifted me with some pretty Swaggadelic (I just made that word up) dance moves too but Swayze could put me to shame in the clubs any day.

Mantivites-Bull Riding 10/28/10

          Fact: True men aren’t afraid of anything! That is why when I met up with a possessed robot bull from the underworld I hopped on and rode it like I stole it. I’m man enough to say I didn’t hang on until the bull gave up. But, in my defense that robot was running off electricity. So the city would have had to run out of power before that brute would have given up. Well I got a video of me riding that vicious beast.

          Movember is coming up soon and I need to know what kind of moustache I should go for. I got two great moustaches you can vote for. (Or if you have a better moustache in mind, go ahead and comment me! I double dog dare ya’) Moustache #1 is a pencil moustache. Moustache #2 is modeled by America’s Sweetheart Tom Selleck from the show Magnum P.I.

         

          You can also donate to me for participating in Movember. Your money will go to stopping prostate cancer. I can post more info if you want to know how!

Mantivities - Geocaching 10/20/2010

Geocaching, Geocaching, Geocaching, GEOCACHING! Que es geocaching? (What is geocaching?) Well hombres it’s a glorified game of hide and go seek. People hide containers deep in the middle of man-eating-bear infested forests and send you to find the treasure or DIE! (Ok dying is a little extreme, but I bet someone has died geocaching) Being a man I naturally accepted the challenge. Of course I had to baby sit my older sister that day, so I had to drag her along.  

          We found the coordinates of two geocaches and went off into the wilderness. After six hours of me searching and my sister wandering around aimlessly, I found both the containers, one was even camouflaged. (Not bad for a colorblind kid) If you take a treasure from the container you need to put one back. So we gave two rubber duckys and received a dolphin stick. In the sticker the dolphin is poppin’ out of the water making a face that says, “Word Up! I got an enormous forehead.”         Similar to this dolphin…

                                                  Not the greatest prize but I'll take it.

Mantivites-Kayaking 10/13/10

          First off, I would like to apologize to my two faithful followers and the three Canadians that have stumbled upon my blog for not posting for over a week. I can’t give you back the extensive hours you spent staring at your monitor waiting for me to post, but I can give you the first ever All-That-Is-Man blog video. Which, by the way, is priceless.

          So this week I went to a kayaking clinic for my manly outdoor adventure club. If you want to join, going out and proving yourself by slaying a bear with your bear hands isn’t recommended. In fact, I strongly urge you not to do that, the park rangers get really mad.  A ten dollar registration fee works just as well. The clinic was about two hours long. In that time I mastered the most macho thing you can do in a kayak! (not eating steak while heading down some class six rapids)       

Yes ladies and gentleman, I speak of THE ESKIMO ROLL! And better yet that is what the video is about! SHA-BAM!

Cooking is manly?

      O YES IT IS! back to last post discussion. “Grilling is a form of cooking that involves dry heat applied to the surface of food, commonly from above or below.” A direct quote from Wikipedia! I told you cooking was manly! And Wikipedia never lies, ever! In fact, it’s the utmost reliable source; go ahead ask your college professors.

Here is a prime example of grilling in its most masculine form, me grillin’ something up… while being very patriotic on the Fourth of July… in all my manliness. That was taken this year down in the Florida Keys for my now TWO fans that maybe reading this. That’s right doubled my fan count last week, no big deal. And who knows, someday… just maybe… we might get five followers.

Mantivities and Comment Response! 9/28/2010

First off, what is going on with my manly actives! We’ll today I took a poop that took two courtesy flushes to go down! That’s right and it wasn’t one of those sissy toilets, it was a power house dumper from school.

Secondly, I’ve noticed I’ve been getting a whole heap of hate mail/comments (actually just one not-so-hateful comment) from numerous followers. (Yeah…more like my only follower) Well to respond to that participating in climbing or mantivities doesn’t make you any less girly. And vice versa (to a certain extent so don’t go throw on a dress yet!), For example, I was cooking this weekend. We’ll kinda I made caramel apples with my sisters.

How can someone so manly participate in such unmanly actives?!? Well my friends cooking maybe considered unmanly, but being the best brother ever isn’t. And if cooking is unmanly then go eat a brick, because grilling is one of the manliest things on my list.

ROCK CLIMBING

            Many of you are probably reading these posts to learn how to become a true man. Well my dear friends, a true man doesn’t sit around reading some shmuck’s blog learning how to become a man (If you’re not a true man continue reading my posts, it’s better than nothing) instead they go do manly stuff. That’s exactly what my manly instincts told me to do when I went rock climbing not so many moons ago.

            Rock climbing is obviously one of the manliest things a dude can do. The art of rock climbing started when some guy said, “I really don’t want to take the long way up this cliff.” That man ended up dying minutes later, but his spirit lives on in other men. Those of you thinking, “Rock climbing is cool and everything, but what’s up with the lime green tie dye shirt?” All I have to say to that is shut up the green power ranger was a male and he was even cooler then the red ranger, demonstrated by this picture.

MAN OF THE WEEK! Sept 22, 2010

MAAAANNNN OOOFFF THHHEE WEEEKKKKK!

That’s right round two! After careful consideration of everyone I know and hours of concentrated thought I finally picked this week’s MAN OF THE WEEK!

            This week’s MAN OF THE WEEK! Is my old chump Ben, or better known as Watsobe. You probably can’t tell from the picture but Ben is a 6’7’’ killing machine. When everyone told Ben to shave his mustache he came to me and asked if he should. My answer was obviously NO! From that day on he became legend. Someday I hope to grow a mustache even half as manly and glorious as Ben’s.  Ben expresses his manliness by rockin’ out on the drums, grooming his mustache, wearing expensive watches, and of course hooking up with the ladies. For prom he thought one date wasn’t enough so he decided he would bring two. I feel lucky Ben decided to share otherwise Ben would have taken every girl in the school to prom. So congratulations Ben on receiving this week’s MAN OF THE WEEK!

Mantivities 9/20/2010

                This week was another action pack week full of manly activities or should I say MANTIVITES! I wished I was the first to come up with that word but someone beat me to it. But if it counts for anything I would have made it up if they didn’t. First off, to get the week started right I left St. Cloud to hang with my pals in Minneapolis. Then I got word that a mad game of capture the flag was going down. So I tucked my shirt in so I could get all-out air resistance and hiked up my shorts to get maximum mobility in my legs and it was on.

             We ended up with a tie 2-2 with the other team. No lie we would have probably won but some crazy girl who thought she was a mom called me out by saying I got tagged. I did the manly thing and didn’t get in an argument, but as soon as she turned around I made plenty of obscene jesters so in a way our team won.

          And I bet to some of the men who read this (who am I kidding I have one follower who is female…) you may think, “Jee Ross you sure do have your shorts hiked up high.” There are several reasons for this; besides mobility this does attract the ladies. Because it was hard to unleash the chest hair with that shirt on there isn’t a lot the ladies can fall for except, of course, the man-thighs. This is men's secret weapon against women handed down by the gods themselves. This also gives men without chest hair something to show off. WARNING: For the beginner who can't wait to display their man-thigh, I ask you not to jump into the first pair of cut off jean shorts (Jorts) you find unless you wanna get hurt. You need to learn to walk before you can run big shooter.